Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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