There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
me + whiskey = a bad person
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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