When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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