You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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