Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
