I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
