Well apparently he's into motor boating.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
