before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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