You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
