threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
