does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize