if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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