I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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