Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
