Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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