I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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