Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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