you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
