Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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