I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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