I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
