if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
