Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
