I'm lost and stupid without you.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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