remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
