Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I need a beard to bite.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
