My first STD was from a foam party
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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