woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
