I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
