I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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