i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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