I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
