I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
