I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
