im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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