he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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