Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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