meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
