Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
