On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize