During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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