im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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