just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
