this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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