he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
