How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
