**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
