did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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