there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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