at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize