Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
