i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think I just sharted jello shots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
