I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
