census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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