he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
