I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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