Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You ate ashes out of my bong
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
