the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
